Everything to Nothing: A Joshifer Fanfiction
by christinamarie92
Summary: The only sounds emanating around me are the distinct sound of sirens echoing throughout my disjointed ears. My mind stops processing the moment my eyes land on his unmoving form on the ground; stiff, still, silent. - A Joshifer fanfiction on struggling to become whole again, mend wounds, and love.
1. Chapter 1

The only things I can hear are the ambulance sirens, and the sound of my heart beating out of my chest. I'm running past all of the people gathered around, trying to push myself through the crowds.

A cop grabs me, "Ma'am, you need to stay back," he yells at me.

"That's my fucking boyfriend, let me go!"

He lets go of me; and I keep on running.

Finally I see him lying motionless on a stretcher. My heart shatters into more pieces than I ever thought was possible. Tears instantly start streaming down my face.

"Josh!" I yell, but he doesn't budge.

When I get closer, I see the EMT's are beginning to load him into the back of the ambulance. I take a moment to look at him in his unconscious form. There is no life left in his once magical hazel eyes.

"Josh! Josh!" I continue to yell, though I know he can't hear me.

"You're his girlfriend?" one of the EMT's asks me.

It takes a moment for me to process what he's saying, and that he's talking to me.

I choke back the tears for second, and all I can manage is a nod of my head, never once taking my eyes off of Josh.

"You can ride in the ambulance with him, but we have to leave now," he tells me.

I climb into the ambulance after they finish loading Josh in, and getting him prepped for the ride. At this point I'm crying more than I thought was humanly possible.

I still have yet to be told what has happened to him, no one has told me a single thing yet. I take Josh's limp hand in mine and caress the soft skin. I look down at his hands, the same hands that just this morning were cradling my jaw.

I'm unsure how much time has passed, but still no one has spoken up to tell me what happened. I look at Josh once again, and the shock completely dissipates. Burning rage is beginning to set in. Fuck this, I think, I can't keep quiet any longer.

"Is anyone going to tell me what the hell happened?" I say, coming off much more aggressive than I meant to be.

"Miss Lawrence, we will let the medical professionals tell you what's going on once we get to the hospital. But for now, we will tell you that Josh was in a motorcycle accident, and if he weren't wearing his helmet, the situation would be much worse than this. He was lucky," the EMT tells me.

He was lucky? Would be much worse? He is unconscious for crying out loud! I think in my head.

I'm trying my best to keep calm, and stay composed, for Josh's sake. I can't be rude to these people who are only trying to help Josh, and possibly jeopardize the care he is receiving. I cross my legs and arms, grab hold of Josh's hand again, and bury all my feelings as deep as I can, and focus solely on what really matters right now; Josh.

"I'm here Josh, I'm here baby," I whisper quietly into his ear.

I give his hand a light squeeze, and close my eyes a reminisce on the happier times between us…

_ "__Jen! You can come down now!" Josh yells from downstairs. _

_"__UGH! FINALLY!" I scream down to him. _

_As I make my way down the steps, the smell of fresh, warm pizza invades my nostrils, and I instantly get excited. I rush down the stairs and manage not to fall, an impressive feat I think to myself._

_"__Oh my goodness, Josh!" I squeal with excitement. _

_Josh and I have only been dating for a couple of months, but he knows me better than anyone else in the whole world. He has a feast of pizza, Cool Ranch Doritos, candy, and even beer spread out on the kitchen table. _

_"__Do you like it, baby?" Josh asks, with the biggest smile in his face. _

_I will never get tired of his beautiful smile, or his breathtaking hazel eyes filled with joy._

_"__Josh, it's amazing! Thank you so much!" _

_For the rest of the night, we sit on the couch, stuffing our faces, and drinking beer. Josh let's me watch the most recent episodes of 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' that I missed, and then we indulge in some 'Keeping up with the Kardashians'. _

_"__You must really like me to watch all of these crappy reality shows with me," I say._

_ "__No I don't like you," he replies quietly, almost a whisper. "I love you, Jen."_

I feel the ambulance come to a stop, and it pulls me out of my daydream. The tears I've been shedding have left warm tracks down my cheeks.

We've finally arrived at the hospital. They rush to get Josh out of the ambulance, and into the Emergency Room. The fears and anxiety come rushing back at full force, and the tears begin to flow again. I don't know what is going to happen with Josh, and I've never been more scared in my life. I just hope he's going to be okay.


	2. Chapter 2

I've been sitting alone in this cold hospital waiting room for hours. The uncomfortable chair I've been sitting in has perfectly molded to my body, and I'm pretty sure I've memorized the drinks and snacks that are in the vending machine in front of me.

I'm slouched over, trying to get comfortable, and impatiently tapping my fingers on the table next to me. I just can't stop thinking about Josh. My mind won't stop playing different scenarios over and over, each one more gruesome than the last. I find myself trapped in a waking nightmare. Since I've known Josh, him getting into a motorcycle accident has always been one of my greatest fears.

I haven't gotten to see him yet, only his mom has been allowed in the room with him. I'm not his family, so the staff has me relegated to this god forsaken waiting area. His dad and brother, Connor, are on their way here, and should arrive soon.

Suddenly, I see the doctor and Josh's mom, Michelle, in the doorway of my little waiting room. I'm not surprised; her cheeks are tear stained as well. Her head is bowed, and she is fiddling with the tissues balled up in her hands.

"How is he?" I manage to croak out, my voice shakier than I had expected.

Michelle puts her hands over her face and starts crying again, sending a feeling of dread deep into the pit of my stomach. I jump up from my chair as fast as possible, and envelop her in a hug. I have no idea how long we stand there, sobbing in each other's arms.

"Shall we discuss Josh's state now?" the doctor speaks, and launches us back into reality.

"Yes, doctor, please tell Jennifer," Michelle manages to say through her cries.

I let go of Michelle, and wrap my arms around myself. I've never been more nervous in my entire 24 years of life. I stare at Josh's doctor with wide eyes, anxiously awaiting his speech.

"Hi Jennifer, my name is Dr. Andrews, I'll be taking care of Josh while he's here and monitoring his condition."

I feel like I can't breathe.

"As you're aware, Josh was in a pretty bad motorcycle accident last night. He is still unconscious."

I can't stop the tears from flowing. Please, let Josh be okay.

"Is he going to be okay? Is he going to wake up soon?" I ask in between sobs.

"Josh has a broken leg, and has suffered some head trauma. But I can tell you, if he wasn't wearing his helmet, there is no way he would have survived the accident."

"But will he wake up?" I ask again.

Dr. Andrews hesitates, and rubs the nape of his neck. It's all the answer that I need.

"I'm sorry…" he says, in a sincere voice, probably the same voice he uses to deliver bad news to all his patient's families.

"We haven't seen any improvements yet, and that's extremely troubling. We're doing everything we can to help Josh and make him comfortable. We're still running tests to try and find out the severity of his head trauma, and look for any brain damage. Please, try and stay strong and positive, for Josh."

The same question keeps repeating itself in my head, why is this happening to Josh? The most amazing person I've ever known. The love of my life.

I'm in shock, and it's hard to process anything Dr. Andrews is saying. At some point, while he is talking to Michelle, my mind wanders…

_"__I don't fucking understand, Jennifer." Josh yells at me. _

_He is furious at me, because my publicist insists going public about our relationship isn't a good idea, and instead, Liz wants to start rumors of my dating someone else, as a diversion. _

_"__I'm so sorry, Josh, but this is what Liz thinks is best, and I trust her."_

_"__What happened to making our relationship public? Now you're going to throw yourself into a fake one? What about all the other times you disregarded Liz's opinion? Why start obeying now?" _

_He's still yelling. I've never seen Josh this angry before._

_"__Please calm down. It's really not that big of a deal," I shoot back. I need to start thinking before I speak, because I've just added fuel to Josh's burning fire of rage._

_"__NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL?" he screams, louder than before. "I don't want anyone to think that my girlfriend is dating another man. I want them to know you're dating me! Why is that so hard for you to understand, Jennifer?" He walks in the bathroom and slams the door behind him._

_I sit alone on the couch for about 10 minutes, and then Josh emerges from the bathroom, eyes swollen and red. The last thing I want to do is hurt the man I love._

_"__Josh…" I say, hoping he calmed himself down in the bathroom, and isn't angry anymore._

_Before I can even finish saying his name, his fist hits the wall._

_"__Goddamn it, Jennifer! How can you think this is okay? You say you love me, but you're willing to let the public think you're in a relationship with another man."_

_He stares at me with his jaw clenched, waiting for my response. I can't bring myself to look him in the eyes, so I look at his bloodied knuckles, then my eyes shift to the dent in the wall. I agree with Liz, that this is the best plan. I just wish I could get him to see that. _

_I hear the long sigh that escapes his lips. Chancing a look at him, I see his shoulders drop and his next words to me are so full of hurt that my heart threatens to shatter into a million pieces._

_"Would it really be so bad if the press found out about us? Are you ashamed of me? Is that it? Is that why you don't want to go public?" _

_I just want to take his pain away, but I don't know how._

_"__I do love you Josh. I'm sorry, it's just…" I begin to try and explain myself._

_"__I'll be back later." He cuts me off and walks out of my apartment, slamming the door behind him._

_I sit alone, in an eerie silence, pondering what I'm going to do. I can't help but think this plan is going to help protect and preserve our relationship. I just wish I didn't have to hurt the man I love._

The last time I saw him has been haunting me since I got that horrible phone call. Had I known then that an hour later our lives would be changed forever, our hopes for the future more than likely shattered, I would have told Liz no, without any hesitation.

I haven't been able to stop blaming myself for the accident. He was angry with me, and he stormed out. He was undoubtedly driving recklessly, and that's how he got into this horrifying accident.

It's my fault that Josh is lying in a hospital bed, unconscious.

"Jennifer, are you listening?" Dr. Andrews asks me, once again bringing me back into reality.

"No, sorry, I must have spaced out. I missed that last part." My voice sounds so weak, so broken.

"Jen," Michelle says, "we found something in Josh's pocket that I think you should see."

Taking my hand, she pulls me back over to the chairs, and she sits.

A million things run through my mind as I sit down next to her.

Drugs? No, Josh would never do that.

A gun? Some sort of weapon?

Why am I thinking these ridiculous thoughts? I know Josh better than he knows himself. It can't be anything bad. Which makes the looks on Michelle and Dr. Andrews' faces that much more puzzling to me.

I'm not expecting what Dr. Andrews holds out to me.

A small black leather box.

My heart is pounding as I open it.

An engagement ring.


	3. Chapter 3

_"__I love you so much," Josh whispers in my ear while we lay on the couch._

_He's playing with my short, blonde locks, while I run my fingers through the patch of hair on his chest._

_As we lay here, in post-coital bliss, I realize how deep my love for this amazing man runs._

_"__I love you too, Josh," I reply, as I stare into his beautiful hazel eyes._

_"__Not as much as I love you," he argues, with a smile on his face._

_"__You're wrong."_

_I playfully punch Josh on the shoulder, and he caresses the side of my face, looks me in the eyes, and says, "No Jennifer, I promise you, I love you more than you could ever love me."_

I wake myself out of my reverie, and realize I'm still in this cold, gloomy waiting room.

To be blunt, I feel like absolute, and complete shit. I'm still staring at the little black box I clutch onto so tightly in my hands.

Josh may not wake up. It still doesn't feel real.

I take the beautiful ring out of the box, round diamond in the center, with more diamonds along the band, and slip it on my left ring finger. Perfect fit. Of course it is.

There is no way I'm taking this off anytime soon.

When I look up, and blink away the tears, I see Dr. Andrews in the doorway, once again.

"Would you like to come see Josh now?" he asks.

The billions of butterflies in my stomach won't stop fluttering, and I feel nauseous.

As much as I've been wanting to see Josh, I'm extremely terrified. Am I ready to see my boyfriend, the man I love so much, bandaged up? Hooked up to machines? Unconscious?

I give Dr. Andrews a nod, stand up, and wipe my clammy palms on my pants; then I follow him to Josh's hospital room.

I don't think I'm ready for this.

As we approach the room, the feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach overwhelms me, and I come to a stop in the middle of the hallway.

My breathing has quickened, and my feet have planted themselves on the ground, each one feeling as if they weigh several hundred pounds. I can't move.

I glance at Dr. Andrews, and in a genuinely sincere voice, he says, "Jennifer, I promise you, you'll be fine."

For some reason, he gives me the motivation to keep walking. Finally, after what felt like 10 miles, we arrive at Josh's room.

Dr. Andrews gives me a tight smile, and slowly opens the door.

Before I walk in, Michelle walks out.

She is still in tears, and I give her another long hug. This must be so hard for her.

"I figured since you were finally allowed in the room, I'd give you some time alone with Josh. And I'm sure you want to be alone when you see him for the first time," she says.

I let go, and look her in the eyes, "Thank you, Michelle."

She smiles at me, the first real smile I've seen since we've been at this hospital, and now I have to go in the room.

I take a few deep breaths, and then before I know it, my feet are moving me into the room.

I walk into the room with my eyes glued to the floor, because I am terrified of what I think I'm going to see.

Mustering every ounce of strength I have within me, I look up.

The image that I see breaks my heart.

Just as I thought. Josh is lying motionless in the hospital bed.

He is hooked up to many machines, and has oxygen tubes in his nose.

I see his I.V. bags, and once again, I can't stop the tears from flowing.

"Josh…." I say, my voice weak and fragile.

I take a seat in the chair next to his bed, and I grab hold of his limp hand.

I run my thumb across the cuts on his knuckle; the cuts he acquired from smashing his fist against the wall in my apartment during our argument, just an hour before the accident.

"Josh…" I say again. I can't seem to find any words to say.

I've heard things before, about people being able to hear you while they're in a coma. I decide now is the time to tell Josh how I really, truly feel.

"Josh, it's Jen. I don't know if you can hear me. But you know that's never stopped me from blabbering before."

"I'm so sorry, for everything. For that stupid idea that Liz came up with. I'm not doing that. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea. I'm so so so sorry, Josh."

At this point, the tears are flowing uncontrollably.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

"I know you're going to wake up Josh. I know how strong and tough you are."

Silence fills the room once again, the only noise is the beeping of Josh's heart monitor.

I'm still caressing his hand, and I lean in to kiss his forehead.

"I love you, Josh. No matter what. I'm going to be here the whole time. I'm not going anywhere."

I feel the need to reassure him, even though he probably can't even hear me.

I somehow get comfortable in the chair, my hand still interlocked with Josh's, and I doze off.

"Jennifer, wake up," Dr. Andrews is standing in front of me, looking panicked.

"Oh shit, I fell asleep. Is everything okay? Is Josh okay?"

I sit up, glance over at Josh, and what I see has my jaw on the floor.

Josh's eyes are open.

He isn't focused on anything, just staring into the distance.

Two nurses start touching him, and talking to him.

"Josh, can you squeeze my hand?" one nurse says.

The other nurse is tickling the bottom of his foot, trying to get a reaction out of him.

Nothing.

"I'm going to go tell Michelle. This is a good sign, Jennifer. I'll give you some more time with him before I do more tests. Call for the nurses if anything else happens," Dr. Andrews says.

I can't stop staring at Josh. I finally get to see those hazel eyes again, just not the way that I had hoped. I grab hold of Josh's hand again.

"Hey Josh, I'm still here. I told you I wasn't going anywhere."

He's still staring out into space.

Right when I start losing hope again, I see him kick his leg.

I don't think I could have hit the Nurse Call button any faster.

When the nurse walks in I yell, a tad bit too loud, "I JUST SAW HIM KICK."

The nurse checks Josh again then says, "I'll go get Dr. Andrews."

Now the room is full, the same two nurses, Dr. Andrews, Michelle, and me. They are all examining Josh, trying to get him to kick again, or look at them.

"Josh, baby, can you hear me?" I say through my sobs.

Our hands are still laced together, and suddenly I feel a squeeze.

"JOSH!?"

In the blink of an eye, everything changed.

Josh was kicking his feet as the nurse tickled them, and squeezing my hand whenever I spoke.

"Josh, I'm here. I'm here baby."

His arms and legs are moving slightly, and Dr. Andrews is continuing to examine him.

"I'm sorry, you guys can't be in here right now. We will come get you when things are more stable."

He sounds harsh, but I know he is just trying to figure out what's going on with Josh as fast as possible.

When Michelle and I arrive back at the waiting room, Josh's dad and Connor are there. They look so distraught, so we fill them in on everything that just happened.

What seems like an eternity, but in reality was only about ten minutes, we're called back into Josh's room.

I hold my breath for the entire walk to the room, and I'm starting to sweat.

We all take a seat around the bed.

"We think Josh is going to wake up soon," Dr. Andrews says, shocking all of us.

"We've lowered all the doses of his medicine, so now it's just a waiting game."

Michelle and I burst into tears, and hug each other; then she hugs her family.

I can't believe this is happening. Josh is waking up. And soon.

We've been sitting around Josh's bed for close to an hour, and he's still showing the same signs of improvement.

Whenever Michelle and I speak, he squeezes our hands. His eyes are open, but he can't seem to focus on anything. If you tickle the bottom of his foot, he kicks.

Suddenly, Josh starts breathing heavily.

Michelle starts to panic, and the nurses call Dr. Andrews back into the room.

He calms us all down, and assures us this is normal.

I feel like I blinked, and Josh is now struggling to move around.

He reaches, and tries to pull out the tubes from his body. He looks so completely panicked, and even though he's waking up, I'm scared.

His breathing is still erratic, and heavy, but Dr. Andrews tries talking to him.

"Josh, You're okay. You're okay. I'm your doctor. Your family and girlfriend are here," he says, in a calm voice.

Josh is still lying down, but he is looking around the room. He has the most confused look on his face, which worries me.

"Wha…..what….." he tries to speak.

"Josh?" Michelle says.

As Josh speaks his first full sentence, my heart completely shatters. I feel as if someone has just stabbed me in the heart, and I'm slowly bleeding out onto the floor.

"Who, who's Josh…?"


	4. Chapter 4

I keep replaying it in my head.

_"__Who, who's Josh…?"_

Amnesia. Josh has amnesia. This can't be happening.

Just to be sure, I pinch my arm. Nope, I'm awake.

Shit.

We were rushed, and then confined to this miserable, desolate waiting room once again.

I need to get some sleep, but I don't want to leave Josh. Fuck, he doesn't even know who I am.

"Jen, maybe you should go home and get some rest. You haven't been out of this hospital since we got here," Michelle says.

The need to escape suddenly overwhelms me. I give Michelle a nod, hug the rest of Josh's family, and then I get the fuck out of there as fast as possible.

Since I came here in the ambulance with Josh, I have to call a cab to get home. It is taking every ounce of strength within me to not curl up in a ball, and fall asleep in the back of this car.

When we arrive at my apartment, I pay the cab driver, plus an overly generous tip that I couldn't give two shits about. I practically run up the stairs until I get to my door.

As soon as I enter, I see the dent in the wall. The dent that was formed by Josh's strong fist. The dent from our fight.

I run to the shower, ripping off my clothes along the way. I turn the water on as hot as it goes, and step inside. Once again, tears are uncontrollably streaming down my face.

I stand there, the entire bathroom engulfed in the steam from the burning hot water running down my body.

Standing surrounded by this steam reminds me of shooting Catching Fire in Hawaii. The poisonous fog. When things got serious between Josh and I…

_"__You look fucking gross," Josh says to me, with a huge grin on his face._

_"__Thank you so much! Did I ever tell you how nice you were? Asshole."_

_He's talking about the poisonous pus blisters covering a significant amount of my body._

_Between the blisters, running around, and falling a few times, I have to agree with Josh. I do look gross._

_"__I'm playing zombie too," Josh says like a little kid, and makes his best zombie noise._

_I laugh, and want to play more, but we have to keep shooting. _

_Things between Josh and I were just starting to get serious in Hawaii, so we were ten times more goofy around everyone, to distract them from our personal lives, and to keep what was private, private._

_Later that night, after our last day of shooting, Josh knocks on my hotel room door. When I open it, he has a serious look on his face._

_"__What's wrong?" I ask._

_"__Jennifer, will you be my girlfriend?" Josh blurts out._

_I'm shocked, and thrilled, but scared all at the same time. I want this, but I'm terrified that if the public finds out, they will quickly ruin this for us._

_After a few seconds of hesitation, I reply, "Josh.. of course."_

_He walks me over to the bed, and we sit down. "I have something to give you," he says._

_"__Since we're done shooting now, I took this. I want you to have it, as a remembrance of our time here in Hawaii." He gives me a huge grin as he hands me his gift._

_Peeta's medallion._

_My eyes start to fill up. I can't believe this. I don't understand why it took us this long to realize our compatibility, and how good we are for each other._

_"__Thank you so much," I say, as he plays with my long, brown hair. _

_I give him a hug, and then we fall back on the bed while kissing… _

My head shoots up, and I break out of my daydream.

Peeta's medallion.

Leaving the water running, I jump out of the shower as fast as I can in search of the medallion. I know it's in my apartment somewhere.

I have the sudden desire to find everything that reminds me of Josh; clothing, photographs, the medallion. I have to find that medallion.

I'm ripping apart every drawer in my bedroom, my clothes falling to the ground wherever they land. I know it's in here somewhere.

Finally, in my bottom nightstand drawer, I see the gold medallion. I pick it up and put it over my head, and around my neck as fast as possible.

I wander around the room, in search of clothes that belong to Josh. I end up putting on a pair of his sweat pants, and one of his plaid button downs. For some odd reason, being in his clothes is bringing me comfort.

I wander back into the bathroom, turn off the water in the shower that I left on, and stare at myself in the mirror.

His clothes are too big on me, but I don't care. I stare at my tear stained cheeks, and my red eyes. My appearance couldn't mean any less to me than it does at this exact moment.

I pull my wet, short hair back into a ponytail, and slip the ring back on my finger.

This is the last thing I have from Josh. I'm not taking it off any time soon.

I continue to stare at my disheveled self in the mirror; Josh's oversized pants and shirt, Peeta's medallion, and the ring. It is now that I realize that I've never felt this immense amount of sadness before.

I slither into my bed, and close my eyes. After what seems like an eternity, I drift off to sleep.

I wake with a jolt, and a sudden feeling of panic.

Why am I in an empty bed? Where's Josh?

I catch a glimpse of the ring on my left hand, then remember everything that happened.

The fight, the accident, the ring, Josh waking up, the amnesia.

I have to get back to the hospital. I should have never left him. I promised him I'd stay by his side, and that I wasn't going anywhere. But I left.

I jump out of bed as fast as I can, and run to my car. I have to get back to Josh.

The twenty-minute car ride to the hospital felt like three days, but I've finally arrived. When I get there, I see Josh's family is still sitting in the little waiting room, so I decide to join them again.

"Hey guys," I say. They give me strange looks, and I realize I'm still wearing Josh's clothes. They don't match, and are a few sizes too big on me. Oh well.

"Uh, yeah. I kind of wanted to wear some of his clothes. I hope you don't mind…"

"No, honey, you wear whatever makes you feel comfortable," Michelle says.

We all sit down, in silence, and I stare at the beautiful gold medallion hanging around my neck. This means so much to both Josh and I. I have to keep it close to me.

The same goes for this ring. Although he never officially gave it to me, I still feel an overwhelming attachment to it, and I have no plans to take it off any time in the near future.

Dr. Andrews knocks lightly on the open door, and asks our permission to enter the room.

"Oh good, you're all here. We've finished running tests on Josh, and I have his final diagnosis."

We all stare at Dr. Andrews with wide eyes. Just tell us. Rip the band-aid off, and get it over with.

"Josh has Retrograde Amnesia. It is when someone is unable to recall events that occurred before the development of the amnesia."

We're all silent, urging Dr. Andrews to continue.

"Josh suffered some severe cranial trauma, and retrograde amnesia usually follows damage to areas of the brain other than the hippocampus, which is the part involved in encoding new memories. Which is why Josh is able to encode and memorize new things at this point, he just can't remember anything before his accident."

Michelle, Chris, Connor, and I all stare at each other, unable to form any thoughts, let alone a response to Dr. Andrews.

"I'll give you some time, but Josh is awake if you want to go in his room, and try talking to him. Take your time," he says politely, and then leaves the room.

We all agree that we should go see Josh, and finally find out how bad this really is.

In the doorway of Josh's room I see him lying in his bed. The back of the bed is tilted upward slightly, and he is flipping through the TV channels.

His family enters the room, and I watch them introduce themselves to him. It is completely heartbreaking.

I make eye contact with him, and now I'm forced to enter. I bite my lip, and walk into the room as slowly as possible.

I am so anxious. What am I supposed to say to him? I have to keep reminding myself not to cry, not in front of him.

"Hi," he says, and gives me a shy smile.

This is going to be harder than I thought. At least amnesia Josh is just as much of a sweetheart as the Josh I know and love so deeply.

"Hi, I'm your…" Fuck, I freeze up. I don't know what to tell him. "…friend, Jennifer." Of course I can't tell him that I'm his girlfriend. I don't want to freak him out any more than he already is.

"Beautiful name for a beautiful girl," he says, now flashing his beautiful crooked smile.

I give him a small smile back, not able to take my eyes off the floor.

"I'm sorry. Hi Jennifer, I'm Josh…but you.. already know that…" His face is turning red.

"I'm sorry, this is just all so confusing."

"Don't worry about it, it's okay. We'll figure this out." I try and reassure him.

We both smile at each other, and as I bring my hand up to brush some loose hairs out of my face, I see him catch a glimpse of the ring.

Fuck.

"Oh, that's a very pretty ring. You're engaged?" he asks.

Fuck.

"He must be a very lucky guy."

Fuck.


	5. Chapter 5

_"__Cause we had a beautiful, magic love affair. What a sad, beautiful, tragic love affair," _I hear coming from my headphones.

It's been one week since I've talked to Josh. One long week of not much food, not much activity, and a hell of a lot of Taylor Swift.

I'm not sure what I was expecting when I finally spoke to Josh. I knew he had amnesia, but I wasn't expecting the same exact Josh, my Josh, just without his memories.

My Josh. And I can't have him.

He is back at his house in LA; his mom has been staying there and taking care of him. I haven't had the guts to go over yet, even though she told me to come whenever I wanted. Because all Josh knows is that I'm his friend Jennifer, who is engaged, and it kills me.

Suddenly it hits me. Why have I been laying in bed for a week? Doing nothing but feeling bad for myself, and listening to sad music. I was pathetic.

I decide that today, I'm going over to Josh's house. I have to; I can't avoid this any longer.

I take a shower, dry my hair, put on some makeup and decide to wear a cute outfit. If I look good, there's a chance that Josh without his memories could be attracted to me.

What the fuck am I thinking? Josh has a broken leg, and amnesia, and I'm trying to impress him, and look hot for him. I'm an insensitive idiot.

When I pull up to his house, I am so nervous. But I know that I have to do this, I have to be around Josh, I have to help him get his memory back.

I ring the doorbell, and Michelle answers.

"Jen!" she says, and envelops me in a big hug.

"Hi, Michelle. I hope it's okay that I just stopped by."

"Don't be silly, of course it's fine! He's on the couch watching TV, you're welcome to go join him"

"Thanks." My stomach is doing flips as I walk into Josh's house, and get closer to him.

"Hi, Josh," I say when I approach him.

"Oh! Hey, Jennifer!" he says, sounding unusually cheerful.

"What are you up to? Oh…" He's watching 'The Hunger Games'.

"Yeah.. uhh.. my mom told me I was in movies, and I didn't believe her."

Watching him looking at the TV, look of pure confusion etched on his handsome face, is breaking my heart. I wish I could take his pain away.

"You picked a good one, the actress playing Katniss is a total babe," I joke to him.

He gives me his irresistible crooked smile and a wink, "She's alright."

After a few minutes, Josh breaks the silence between us. "My mom was showing me pictures of us, we're close friends?"

"Yeah, best friends actually. I know you better than you know yourself."

Josh closes his eyes tight and looks away, and I realize what I just said really hurt him. He doesn't know himself at all, at the moment.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant I know you really well."

The room is filled with another awkward silence that Josh breaks, once again.

"So these movies are based on books?"

"Yeah, and they're really good, you should read them."

"I think I will," he says, and smiles at me again. Can he please stop doing that? I'm going to explode.

"Do you know what you're doing for the promotion for the next movie? Since it starts in a couple months, are you just not going to attend anything? I'm sure they can think of some excuse that people will believe."

"I don't know, honestly. What if I go, and pretend to be Josh Hutcherson the actor, and people can tell something's up… that I'm not me. I don't even know who he is."

"I can help you. I mean, if you want to ask me anything, you always can."

He gives me a small smile, then we get back to watching the movie. It's the part where Rue and I are concocting our plan to destroy the Career's food and supplies. My mind starts to drift away…

_"__Oh, fuck!" Josh screams._

_"__OH MY GOD, JOSH, I'M SO SORRY!" I just kicked him in the temple._

_He's fallen to the ground, and I'm fucking terrified, and uncontrollably sobbing._

_"__Is he okay? Is he okay?" I keep asking, but nobody is answering me._

_Josh finally gets up, and is sitting down with his face in his hands._

_"__Josh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do that. I'm so sorry."_

Suddenly, I burst out in laughter.

Josh shoots me a puzzled look, "You think Rue's death is funny?"

"I'm sorry, I was just laughing about the time I gave you a perfect death blow kick right to your head."

His puzzled look turns into pure confusion, "What…? Please tell me this story!" Now he's smiling.

"So, we were play boxing, and I told you that I could kick over your head. Of course you didn't believe me, so I went in for the kick, and kicked you right in the temple. Then you went down."

He's doing that adorable thing when he claps while he laughs, "That sounds awesome, what happened after?"

"I gave you a concussion! I cried for days!"

We laughed for a few minutes, and turned our attention back to the movie.

When it's over, Josh looks over at me with sad eyes.

"Jennifer, I just wanted to apologize to you, for you know, not remembering anything."

His heartbreaking voice sends chills down my spine, and I suddenly have an overwhelming urge to flee. "Josh it's okay, it's not your fault, you'll get through this. Everything will work out. But I should probably go now..."

He looks a bit surprised, but says, "Sure, thank you for watching the movie with me."

"No problem. We should do it again sometime." We hug, and say our goodbyes, and then I'm practically running out the door to my car and speeding to the nearest bar.

"Two shots of Fireball please."

"Sure thing," the bartender, a young woman possibly my age, says.

When she returns with my two shots of chilled cinnamon whiskey, she says, "Let me guess, boy drama?"

"Ding ding ding," I reply, throwing back one shot.

"Oh, I'm sorry. My name's Holly, just let me know when you're ready for another drink. You probably will need a few," she says, and smiles.

"Thank you."

I take my second shot, and realize that Josh was the one who introduced me to this alcohol…

_"__Yes, duh! Bring alcohol! Just pick whatever, I'm not picky! Oh and don't forget the pizza!"_

_"__You're not picky..? Jen don't lie to yourself! You know anything I pick you'll get mad at me!"_

_"__Joshy, I don't care!"_

_"__Fine, I'll be there soon."_

_30 minutes go by, and Josh finally arrives. He just walks in, not bothering to ring the door bell._

_He finds me sitting on the couch, and walks over and plops down next to me._

_"__Pizza is on the counter," he says, because he knows me so well, and knows that's my main priority._

_"__Thanks Joshy," I smile at him, and get up to get us both some pizza._

_"__What alcohol did you bring? I'm nervous to find out."_

_"__Jen, I told you to tell me exactly what to get!"_

_"__Kidding. Show me!" He pulls out a large bottle of something I've never laid eyes on, or heard of before._

_"__Fireball? Cinnamon whiskey? Josh that sounds disgusting!"_

_"__Jen I promise it's good! You'll love it," he flashes me his crooked smile, and I feel butterflies in my stomach. I'm confused why, because it's only Josh. My best friend. Although we've been flirting with each other even more lately, I doubt he feels the same way about me._

_"__Wanna bet on it?" I ask, and wink at him._

_"__Um, yes! If you don't like it, you can have all the pizza."_

_"__Deal! And if I like it?"_

_"__I get to kiss you."_

_"__Josh…"_

_"__I'm sorry, Jen. No, I'll think of something else."_

_"__No, that works. Deal." I hold out my hand for him to shake, and after giving me a confusing look, he shakes it._

_Josh pours us each a shot, and I'm secretly hoping that I will like it._

_He looks deeply into my eyes, and says "On the count of three… one, two, three."_

_We both take our shot, and he's staring at me waiting for my reaction._

_"__Josh, this is delicious…" _

_He grabs my face and kisses me. Our first kiss as Jen and Josh, and not Katniss and Peeta._

_We stop kissing, and he rests his forehead against mine. "I have feelings for you Jen. You don't have to feel the same way, or respond. We can just eat our pizza, drink our Fireball, and watch a movie. Pretend like this never happened. I just wanted to tell you how I feel."_

_He lets go, and after a minute of awkward silence, I grab his face and kiss him. He seems surprised at first, but then he starts to kiss me back._

_We spend the rest of the night watching movies, stuffing our faces with pizza, and getting wasted on Fireball. Oh, and making out._

Holly wakes me out of my daydream, and asks me if I'd like to order anything else.

"A few more Fireball shots would be awesome, thank you."

It's going to take a lot of alcohol to numb this pain.

After about five shots of Fireball and four beers, I'm stumbling out of the bar.

"Bye Holly!" I'm yelling to the bartender, who apparently is my new best friend. "I love you!"

She probably thinks I'm crazy, but we bonded over a two hour long heart-to-heart. I liked her because she never brought up the fact that I was Jennifer Lawrence. Even though I was extremely drunk.

I miss my boyfriend Josh. I need to go be with him.

So I call a cab, and when it arrives, I fall into the back seat, and give the driver Josh's address.

The cab costs $30, but I hand the driver a $100 bill.

"Thank you so much, you're seriously the best cab driver in the world!"

I stumble out of the cab, and make my way to Josh's front door. I see Michelle's car is in the driveway. Why is she here? Oh well, I just have to be extra quiet now.

I rummage through my purse in search of Josh's house key. When I find it, I unlock the door, and sneak inside. I tip toe up the stairs, and smirk to myself, hoping that Josh is sleeping naked tonight.

I'm really tired. The whole house is spinning. I need to make it to Josh's bed.

When I get to his bedroom, I sneak into the bed, and pass the fuck out.

I wake suddenly. Where am I?

I blink a few times to clear my eyes, and see a Kentucky Wildcats poster. I look on the bedside table, and see a frame with a photo of me? What? I blink a few more times. It's a photo of me and Josh.

Holy fucking shit. I'm in Josh's bed.

He barely knows who the fuck I am, and I'm in his bed.

How did I get here? The cab.

Where is my car? The bar.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I try and slip out of the bed making as little movements as possible. Josh stirs next to me, and rolls over. Fuck.

He opens his eyes and instantly sits up, looking extremely confused.

"Jennifer..? What the hell?"


	6. Chapter 6

"Holy shit. Josh, I am so sorry."

"Jennifer, what the fuck is going on? Why are you in my bed? In your clothes from yesterday..?"

"Josh, I am so sorry. I went to a bar after your house, and I must have come here for some reason. I don't know, I'm so confused and my head is pounding right now."

"Why do you have a key to my house? Do all of my friends have keys to my house?"

He is so perplexed, and I can't stand to see him this way. I break down and tell him the truth. I have to tell him about us.

"No, none of your friends do. Because I'm not your friend."

"What...? What are you trying to say?"

I take a deep breath, stare right into his sleepy hazel eyes and say, "I'm your girlfriend. Well, I was your girlfriend, up until your accident Because you.. um.. don't remember me."

He stares off into space. I can tell he is thinking very hard, because he always creases his brow. I don't know what to say, so I wait patiently for him to form a thought, and speak.

"What..? Why didn't anyone tell me? I deserve to know my fucking life." He turns out to be a lot more mad than I had anticipated.

"Josh, I'm sorry. We were trying to protect you."

"By lying to me? By hiding my life from me? This is already hard and confusing enough, I don't need the people closest to me to fucking keep things from me."

"I know I should have told you I just…"

"Yeah, you should have." He cuts me off.

"I should go."

"No. Please. I need you to explain things to me. I want you to tell me everything. I don't want anyone keeping things from me anymore. I deserve to know my own damn life."

"Okay, so what do you want to know?"

"Why you have that ring on your finger." He snaps, with his lips pressed into a thin line.

"Josh…" I don't know how to tell him. This is harder than I thought it would be. I don't want to keep him in the dark, he should know. But on the other hand, it's so difficult to tell him, because of how unhappy he is with this amnesia, as anyone would be. I have to just spit it out, for Josh's sake.

"Josh…" I repeat again, sounding like a fool. "We were never really engaged. When they uh… when they took your clothes off when you were in the hospital. They found the ring in your pocket, and gave it to me. I'm sorry for wearing it, I'm sorry you never even gave it to me and I'm wearing it. I feel so stupid."

He's just giving me a blank stare, and then covers his face with his hands. I feel like shit. My poor Josh, he's hurting so much.

"I'm so sorry, Jennifer. I can't remember anything, and it's fucking killing me."

I take a chance, and hug him. He returns the hug, surprising me. "Josh, you will get through this. Please let me help."

"I'm sorry, but I just… I don't remember anything. I don't remember our relationship. I think for now, can you just be my friend? You've been great support for me. You were there when I woke up, and you've been a really great friend. Can you just do that for me please?" He's crying now.

"Of course, Josh. I'll be anything you want me to be. I love you…" Fuck, why did I say that? I'm an idiot. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Josh doesn't say anything, he just continues to cry in my arms. I have no idea how hard this must be for him. It's breaking my fucking heart.

"I can't believe you came to my house drunk and got in bed with me," thankfully he starts to laugh.

"Oh my god, Josh. I was so drunk." We let go of each other, and laugh. Suddenly Michelle is in the doorway of his room. She looks confused why I'm in Josh's bed in my clothes from yesterday, and why we are cracking up.

"Um, hey Jen, what are you doing here?"

"I invited her over last night, I hope that's okay. Nothing happened, mom. We're just friends." Josh sounds like a teenager who just got caught with a girl in his room.

"Oh… no that's fine." Michelle still has a confused look on her face.

"Michelle, can I talk to you?" I have to tell her that I told Josh the truth.

We go into the spare bedroom, where she has been staying. "I'm sorry, but I told Josh the truth. I told him that I was his girlfriend pre-amnesia. I also told him about the ring."

"Thank you." Michelle says, which catches me off guard.

"What…?" I say. "What are you thanking me for?"

"I think it's best that Josh knows most of his past. He needs to know, he doesn't deserve any of this. I've read that telling people with amnesia about their past, and showing them things, could sometimes get their memories back. I thought we should try and spark his memory. I wanted him to know about you guys but it wasn't my place to tell, I'm glad you finally did."

"I guess we should try that. You know, sparking his memory."

"I think it's worth a shot. Oh, and Jen, tell me how you really ended up in his bed." She smirks at me, she knows her son too well to know when he's lying.

"Well, when I left here last night, I kind of went to a bar, and uh… drank my feelings."

"Jen!" She lightly smacks my arm. "Please tell me you didn't drive!"

"No! I took a cab. My car is still where I left it at the bar."

"Okay, well whenever you're ready to go, I'll drive you to your car."

"Thank you, Michelle."

I walk back into Josh's room, and he's sitting up on his bed, scrolling through his phone.

"Hey, can you help me? Can you tell me who all of these people are under 'Favorites' on my phone? I feel so stupid."

"Josh, you aren't stupid. Jennifer, that's me. Mom and Dad, those are your parents of course, Connor is your brother, Andre is your best friend, Liam and Woody are your friends from 'The Hunger Games' movies, Francis is the director of 'The Hunger Games' movies, except the first one which is kind of irrelevant right now."

He's smiling at me. "What are you looking at?" I ask him.

"Thank you, for doing this. For helping me."

It's been three days since I drunkenly got into Josh's bed. We have been texting, and I guess it's safe to say that we're friends. Which is good enough for me right now. Even though I so badly want my Joshy back.

My phone vibrates in my hand, a new message from Josh.

Josh: **What are you up to today?**

Me: **Nothing, why what's up?**

Josh: **I just want to hang out with you. Do you want to come over?**

Me: **Sure, just tell me when.**

Josh: **Now?**

Me: **On my way! :)**

I show up to Josh's house with a bunch of his favorite things. Cinnamon rolls, some DVD's of his favorite movies, and most importantly McDonald's.

I see Michelle's car isn't here, so I decide to just walk in.

"Josh? I'm here!" I yell, but get no response. I leave everything I brought on the kitchen table, and I decide to search the house. Besides, where could he even go, he has a broken leg.

I find Josh sitting in his bed, immersed in the 'Mockingjay' book.

"Hey, Josh, didn't you hear me yelling downstairs?"

"Oh, no. Sorry. I'm just really into this book. I read the first two in three days and now I'm about halfway done the last one."

"Why did you read them so fast? You were never really that into reading before."

"Because I'm going to do promo for Mockingjay: Part 1."

"Josh…"

"No Jennifer. You can't convince me not to. I think it's best if I know the story like the back of my hand, and do these interviews like nothing is wrong. You'll help me, won't you?"

Now I'm scared. I don't want Josh to get hurt, and the stress of trying to remember everything, and pretend to be someone he isn't, at the moment, will overwhelm him. He thinks he can just know the story and some fun things that happened on set, and go into an interview and nobody will know or suspect a thing.

"Josh, it's not that easy…"

"Please…"

If Josh with amnesia is as good of an actor as the old Josh was, he actually might be able to pull this off.

"Okay, fine. I'll help you."

He pulls me into a tight hug, "Thank you so much Jennifer!"

I breathe in his scent; his distinct Josh scent, which drives me crazy.

"Okay, let's get started. Any questions?"

"My character, Peeta, he gets tortured, and brainwashed, they call it hijacking?"

"Yes, he was injected with tracker jacker venom… which you can just think of as a poisonous wasp-like bug, and brainwashed and distorted all of his thoughts of Katniss to negative ones, then he tries to kill her. If they ask what it was like to shoot that, just say you were excited, because it was a new challenge for you as an actor, and just make shit up. Say that when you read the books at first, this was what you were most excited for."

"I just had an idea," I say. "We should flirt during interviews, to distract people."

"Oh, Jennifer, I don't know about that."

"Come on Joshy!… I mean Josh. Its brilliant! No one will suspect a thing about your amnesia, just about our so-called relationship." I put air quotes around the word relationship. "We have to do it!"

"I mean, maybe it could work."

"Don't even worry about it. I'll just touch you a lot and be flirty towards you. Just reciprocate whatever I do. All you have to do is make a circle with your fingers like this." I put my fingers in a circle to play the circle game, just like we used to do on set of the movies.

"Um, why…?"

"Just do it, trust me."

He skeptically agrees, and I proceed talking, while looking up interviews from 'The Hunger Games' and 'Catching Fire on YouTube on my phone, to show him.

"So, maybe we should run through some practice interview questions?" When I turn to look at Josh, he just stares at me. I see his eyes start to tear up. "Josh, what's wrong?"

He covers his face with his hands, and he's crying again. I've never seen Josh cry this much and I've known him for years.

I hug him and say, "Josh, please talk to me, tell me what's wrong."

He is crying so much, that he can barely form proper words. "I can't… I can't… do this. Why did… this happen… to me?"

"Josh, I told you everything would be okay. Can you please believe me? You're the strongest person I know, you can get through anything."

"I don't… even know… who I am. It's so… frustrating." He says in between sobs.

I just continue to hug Josh, and reassure him that everything will be okay. Even though he doesn't believe me. I wouldn't believe me either. I can't even begin to understand how hard it would be to lose all your memories, to lose the life you once knew.

"Everything will be okay. Shhhh…"

He pulls away from our hug, and is suddenly extremely angry. "Jennifer, if you tell me everything will be okay one more time I'm going to fucking scream. It won't be okay. NOTHING IS OKAY RIGHT NOW. DO YOU NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT? I DON'T KNOW MYSELF, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING." He shouts at me.

"Josh, calm down…"

"Stop." He cuts me off. I don't know what I did to make Josh so upset, I was just trying to help him, and comfort him like I used to. But things aren't like they used to, and I'm still having a hard time accepting that.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what to say." I'm starting to tear up now. I feel so badly for Josh, and I'm trying so hard to help him through this, but nothing I do seems to work.

"Then don't say anything." Josh says.

An awkward silence fills the entire room. We sit here, on Josh's bed, for a few minutes, until I decide to break the uncomfortable silence.

"I brought you food, and some of your favorite movies," I say, hesitantly.

He looks at me, with red eyes and tear stained cheeks, "I'm sorry, but I think you should just go. I want to be alone."

He catches me off guard, and I instantly regret the words that come out of my mouth. "Josh please, I'm trying to help you. You don't understand how hard this is for me!"

"Oh, excuse me. Am I being insensitive to your fucking feelings? This is hard for YOU? You have your fucking memories and I have nothing. I know nothing. I'm trying to figure out who the fuck I am and it's hard for you!? OH I'M SO SORRY JENNIFER!"

Oh no, more word vomit, "Josh, I'm still in love with you, and I've basically lost you! You don't remember me; you don't remember us. It's hard to just be your friend when I love you so much!" Why do I always fuck everything up? I still feel responsible for the accident, and I'm still continuing to hurt him.

"I can't believe this shit! Un-fucking-believable!"

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that, please let me explain."

"Get the fuck out of my house, Jennifer."


	7. Chapter 7

_Josh-_

I feel like my head is going to explode. I'm not sure if it's from all the crying I've been doing, or the fact that I'm frustrated beyond belief.

It's been about 2 hours since I got a bit too angry, and kicked my friend, Jennifer, out of my house. All I have done since then is lay in my bed, cry, punch something, and repeat.

Have I always been this hotheaded? I wouldn't know. I don't know anything.

I need to get out of this bed right now; I can't take it any longer. I grab my crutches that are leaning against my bedside table, and try to situate them under my armpits as comfortable as possible, which isn't much.

I make my way down the stairs, one step at a time, on these stupid crutches. Not only has my brain been wiped away of all its memories, but my leg is broken as well. Fuck this shit.

I wish I would have just died in the accident. This is no way to live. Not knowing who you are, who your family is, who your friends are, who your girlfriend is.

When I finally make it to the kitchen, I see the table is full of presents, from Jennifer. Fuck, I really fucked this up. She has always been there for me, and I just lost my temper, and probably her.

There is a bag of food from McDonalds, which is now cold, and a container of cinnamon rolls. When I pick up the bag of food, I see three DVDs; 'White Men Can't Jump,' 'Space Jam,' and 'Fight Club."

I'm guessing I like these movies, I don't remember. I make the decision to park my ass on the couch all day, and watch them. Besides, it's not like I have anything else to do.

I put 'White Men Can't Jump' in my DVD player, lay on the couch, and take my cold McDonald's out of the bag. I really need to text Jennifer, and apologize. I was a total jerk, and she was right, she was just trying to help. This is just so fucking hard.

Josh: **I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it, I'm just so fucking frustrated. Thank you for the food. Come back and watch these movies with me? :)**

I quickly notice this movie is about basketball. I wonder if I liked basketball…

_Jen-_

The vibration of my phone wakes me out of my blubbering state. I can't believe I had that huge, and entirely unintentional fight with Josh. What was I thinking?

I hope the text message on my phone isn't from him. I wouldn't even know what to say at the moment. I wince as I search my purse for my phone, the newly formed bruises and cuts on my knuckles smash against every item inside.

The bruises and cuts…

_Josh just kicked me out. It is so hard for me to form any coherent thoughts, except that I may have just lost him forever._

_I'm practically running to my car, and trying to keep my composure. This may hurt worse than the accident, because now I have to live with the fact that Josh hates me._

_As soon as I'm inside the car I let loose._

_Tears of mascara dripping down my face, and uncontrollable sobbing; I miss the old Josh. I miss my Josh._

_A strong feeling of rage fills my body, and I punch the steering wheel. It feels good to get my anger out, so I keep doing it. _

_The sight of blood stops me instantly. The tears stop, and I turn on the car and speed home._

Shit. The text is from Josh… "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it, I'm just so fucking frustrated. Thank you for the food. Come back and watch these movies with me? :)"

I'm amazed that I have any tears left inside of me to cry. I should be shriveled up on the floor, my body drained of all its moisture.

I can't answer Josh right now. Instead of fucking this up even more, I decide to stay silent.

I take a swig of NyQuil straight from the bottle, and curl up into a ball in my bed. I need it to make me sleep throughout the night; I need to get a good night's sleep…

_Josh-_

It's been two months since I've texted Jennifer, and I've still gotten no response.

I've travelled to Austria for an interview that I'm not even sure I can do. I've been here for a day now, and after two months of studying and practicing for the interviews, I'm stuck in bed with a bad case of strep throat. I convinced my mom that I could do this on my own, and that she could trust me. So now, I'm in my hotel room, extremely lonely and very sick.

I need Jennifer back in my life.

She is supposed to arrive in Austria today, so I take a risk and text her.

Josh: **Would you come to my hotel room today? We need to talk. Room 205**

Almost an instant response, Jennifer: **Sure Josh. See you soon.**

Now I just need to figure out what the hell to say to her…

_Jen-_

Fuck, I have to come face to face with Josh. It's been months, but I just don't know what to say to him.

I knew it would only result in trouble, and hardship for Josh if I responded to that text message months ago, and I figured he was in so much pain that it was best for me to just set him free.

I miss him like crazy.

I agreed to go to his hotel room today to talk, so naturally I make a pit stop at the liquor store once I arrive in Austria. I'm so nervous, and I need some liquid courage.

After browsing the aisles of the liquor store multiple times, I decide on a bottle of Fireball. Mainly, because it reminds me of Josh. Also, I'm surprised they have it here.

When I get settled into my hotel room, which happens to be a few doors down from Josh's, I open my Fireball. I don't have any cups, so I resort to drinking straight from the bottle.

I'm taking swigs as I unpack, and suddenly I'm stumbling around, and I see that the bottle is half gone. Fuck.

"Time to go see Joshy!" I say to myself.

I kick my heels off, grab my bottle, and make my way to Josh's room.

I repeatedly smash my fist against the door, and yell, "Josh! Josh!"

He opens the door with a puzzled expression on his beautiful face. After a minute of staring at me, he finally speaks, "Jennifer, are you drunk?"

"Yes I am, Joshua. Yes I am. Would you like some?" I wave the Fireball bottle in front of his face. "It's your favorite."

A sweet smile spreads over his face, "Sure, come on in."

Josh grabs the bottle from me and takes a big sip. "This is fucking delicious."

"I told you it's your favorite!" We sit next to each other on his bed. I can't help but stare at Josh's beautiful features while he drinks.

"Jennifer, I just wanted to apologize…"

"Shhhh, Josh. It's okay." I touch my index finger to his lips. He keeps blabbering, but I'm not listening, and he continues to drink.

"I'm going to pee," I say, and walk provocatively to the bathroom, making sure my ass looks perfect in my skirt.

When I get back in his room, he's laying on the bed. Due to my drunken state, I lay down with him.

We pass the bottle back and forth in silence, taking big gulps. Soon enough, the bottle is gone. I know Josh is drunk, because he rolls over and hugs me.

"Jen, I'm sorry I didn't mean to kick you out I was mad and frustrated, but I'm better now. Much, much better. I still don't know who the fuck I am though." He starts to laugh.

"You finally called me Jen…" I don't know what comes over me, courage from the alcohol maybe, but I lean in and kiss Josh.

To my surprise he doesn't pull away. He grabs the back of my head, and pulls me closer to him.

We kiss for a few minutes, and suddenly I'm straddling him. An infinite amount of time passes by, and we continue to make out. I feel Josh's hard length press against me, and it wakes me up out of my daze. What the fuck am I doing?

"Josh I am so sorry," I slowly push myself off of him. I'm mortified when I see my pink lipstick smeared around his mouth.

I can't stop hiccupping. I must have drank more than I thought. This can't be good. Josh gets up to retrieve a bottle of water from the mini fridge. "Arms up," he says.

Shit, he remembers how I cure my hiccups.

"Where did you learn how to do this?" I ask. I put my arms up, and he holds the water bottle up to my mouth as I drink. As I'm lowering my arms he says, "I don't know, I just remembered."

When my hiccups are gone I wipe my lipstick off of Josh's face. We're sitting in silence, neither one of us knowing exactly what to say to the other. Suddenly, my stomach is doing flips, and I think I have to throw up.

"I think I'm gonna be sick…" I say as I run to the bathroom. Josh follows behind, and holds my blonde hair back, as I yack my lunch into his toilet.

"I think you may have drank a bit too much," Josh says, trying to be funny. I miss his sense of humor so badly.

When my vomiting has ceased, I make myself comfortable in the fetal position on Josh's cold, tile bathroom floor. "I'll forget the kiss happened if you forget I just barfed," I say.

"Deal," he replies. "I'm sorry, my brain is just so cloudy from the alcohol. I don't want to lead you on. I'm still too confused in my head to have any feelings for anyone." I don't think Josh is as drunk as I thought he was, which makes me even more embarrassed.

"Just leave me here to die of humiliation."

"Jen, get the fuck up off the floor, and let's get some food!"

"And more alcohol?"

"Sure, why not? When in Europe."

_Jen-_

I wake up the next morning still in Josh's hotel room. I really need to stop winding up in his bed. I look around and see empty beer bottles, and food containers, scattered around the floor. What a fucking night.

We ate, we drank, we laughed, and we watched movies. It truly felt like old times, and I was beginning to think things could get back to the way they were.

Except we both know they can't.

I sneak out of the bed, and make my way back to my room. The pain in my head almost brings tears to my eyes. When I arrive, I pop a few Advil, strip, and get take a steaming hot shower.

I think about my kiss with Josh, and the feeling of him pressing against my leg. I missed it so much. My hand involuntarily slides down, and lands between my thighs. I quickly pull away and reprimand myself, "Stop it, Jen!"

I dry myself off, get dressed, and lay down. On top of my hangover, my throat is fucking killing me. What the hell, how did I get sick?

Josh.

I take my phone out and text him;

Jennifer: **Any explanation as to why my throat is on fire?**

Josh: **Oh yeah… about that… **

Jennifer: **JOSH! I have an interview later today! Fuck. Lol**

Josh: **I'm sorry! I forgot I had strep**

Jennifer: **STREP? Josh you gave me your disease! Now I'm going to die! Thanks a lot!**

Josh: **Stop being over dramatic and call a damn doctor**

I call my assistant, who calls a doctor to rush to my hotel. I have to go on the talk to Wetten, Dass..? later on today with Liam, Josh is too sick to attend. Luckily, my sickness isn't as bad as his, since he is stuck in bed with a fever in addition to the strep.

I need to sleep this hangover off, so I'm going to take a nap until my doctor gets here…

A boy, looking no older than 18 or 20, wearing ripped converse, jeans, and a shirt that says 'a real woman never lets her man leave hungry or horny', awakes me. "What the hell…?" I say, in my husky, just-waking-up voice.

"Hello, Miss Lawrence. I'm your doctor," he says.

"Whose little brother are you?" I try to make a joke, but I'm really lightheaded and out of it.

He ignores me and says, "We're going to give you an IV of antibiotics, okay?"

"Whatever man, just heal me with your drugs," I joke again, feeling even more dizzy.

Lying here with an IV in each arm is absolute torture, and for some reason I still feel extremely groggy.

I close my eyes slowly, and my head feels as if it weighs a ton. Then I don't remember anything else…

_"__Jen, wake up baby."_

_"__Nooo, Joshy. Don't make me."_

_"__I made you breakfast…"_

_I shoot straight up, "Josh, what are you waiting for? Get the fuck out of bed!"_

_I run downstairs, and see the breakfast buffet that Josh made for me. Pancakes, bacon, eggs, toast, even the breakfast potatoes he knows I love. _

_I turn around and see Josh leaning against the wall staring at me, "Happy birthday baby." He walks over to me, and gives me the biggest hug. "I love you so much, even if you're three years older than me."_

_"__Oh shut up," I give him a kiss. "Thank you for the birthday breakfast Joshy, and in a few months I will only be two years older than you!"_

_"__You know how I love older women…" He pushes me against the wall and attacks my mouth with his. I'm unsure how long he has me pinned against the wall kissing me, but suddenly it hits me, "Josh! The food is getting cold!" _

_I push him off me, and he looks disappointed. "I love you Josh," I smirk at him._

_"__I love you more."_

"Josh…?"

To my disappointment, it isn't Josh, just the teenage doctor. He's adjusting my IV's, and tells me about how I passed out.

"Tell me something I don't know," I reply, being a complete bitch for no reason.

I pull out my phone, and text Josh.

Jennifer: **I hate you for getting me sick.**

I get butterflies in my stomach when I see his reply.

Josh:** I'm sorry! Love you too!**

Fuck.


	8. Chapter 8

_Jen-_

We're both still sick, but we manage to make it through these interviews. Thankfully, we are mostly being asked generic questions about the movie, which makes it easy for Josh. I've lost count of how many times he's been asked about Peeta's brainwashing and torturing.

Josh answers the questions like a pro. He must have really done his studying.

My feelings for Josh have come back at full force, which scares me. Neither of us has brought up our drunken kiss a few nights ago, and I hope it stays that way.

Liam knows about the accident, and the amnesia. He has been great with Josh in the interviews, and Josh has been his normal, goofy self. His acting has been so top notch that sometimes I forget he isn't the Josh I once knew, the Josh I was madly in love with. Well, that I still am in love with. He deserves a damn Oscar for this role.

I can't stop touching Josh during the interviews. I don't know if it's because of my feelings for him, or I'm trying to put him at ease. I don't fucking know. My head is so cloudy.

It boosts my ego when I look over and see Josh tugging at his pants to relieve himself. I must still have that effect on him, but I can't think like that right now. He has made it clear he doesn't want to be anything but my friend.

And I'll do anything to keep Josh in my life.

_Josh-_

Fuck this. I've only been around my family for one day, and they look at me like I'm an alien from another planet.

_"__Josh, do you remember me?" "Josh, do you remember what you even like to eat on Thanksgiving?" "Josh, do you remember anything?" "So, you have like zero memories?"_

I can't fucking take it anymore. My aunts, uncles, and cousins gave me an in depth inquisition all damn day. I had to flee.

I'm on my way to Jen's family's house in Louisville. She told me her family doesn't know about the accident, or about the amnesia. I'm safe from questions and weird stares there.

"Hey Joshy!" Jen answers the door, and wraps me up in a huge hug. I can smell the alcohol on her breath.

"Hey Jen, are you drunk already? Without me?" I ask, giving her a sad face.

"Josh, don't do my platypus face! Come on, I have a surprise for you."

Although I have no idea what she means by her 'platypus face', I follow her upstairs. I know this is her bedroom, because I see pictures of her and I everywhere. It feels strange.

"Look what I bought for you!" She holds up a big bottle of Fireball. I could really use some right about now.

"Woah, thanks Jen. Open that shit now!" We take turns taking sips from the bottle, just as we did in Austria.

After we drink a good amount of the bottle, we go downstairs, and I have to say hello to everyone. This is easy, because of my buzz, and because I'm just acting like the Josh from the Mockingjay promo. No one suspects a thing.

Jen and I keep to ourselves most of the night, stuffing our faces with delicious Thanksgiving food, and drinking too much of the delicious cinnamon whisky that we both love.

Now it's late, and her whole family is already gone. Jen and I are lying on the couch in the basement watching a movie, neither of us paying much attention because we're both too drunk.

Suddenly, I feel Jen's hand interlock with mine.

_Jen-_

I'm unsure why, but I grab ahold of Josh's hand. I'm too drunk to think clearly. We both are.

To my surprise he turns onto his side, grabs the back of my head, and kisses me. His lips taste like cinnamon whisky, and home. The butterflies in my stomach begin to flutter again, and everything feels like it used to. I'm not stopping it this time.

Josh reaches down and cups my ass with his strong hand. I wrap my leg around his body and press myself into his familiar, and now hard, length. I miss that part of him more than anything.

Our kisses get more intense, and Josh slides his hand under my shirt and bra, and caresses me. I arch my back and a soft, quiet moan escapes my lips. I never want to stop kissing Josh.

Then, from the alcohol, my brain gets fuzzy, and the rest of the night is a blur…

I wake the next morning, with the nonexistent weight of a thousand pounds crushing my skull. Why do I feel like I'm constantly hungover now? I need to calm down.

Josh and I are crammed onto this little couch in my basement. Why did we sleep here?

I throw my legs over the side of the couch, and when I stand up I'm instantly shivering. Why the fuck am I naked?

I lift up the blanket, and take a curious peek at Josh. Shit, he's naked too. Guiltily, I take in Josh's naked form. My eyes skim his body up and down multiple times. My hand reaches down to touch him, but I pull it back almost instantly. After what feels like an eternity, I lay the blanket back down. I miss his gorgeous, muscular body so much.

A million questions are running through my brain, and I can't think straight. Nothing makes sense right now.

"Fuck…" I whisper. Josh starts to stir, so I get back under the blanket and pretend to be asleep.

"Jen…?" he says. I fake a big stretch, and act like I'm just opening my eyes for the first time this morning.

"Uh, good morning. Why uh, did we sleep here?"

This couch. This couch was always our getaway when we were at my family's home in Kentucky. Where we snuck away, and usually had sex, hidden in the depths of the basement. No one ever came down here except for Josh and I, and now we're back, but under extremely different circumstances.

"I don't know, I think we were watching a movie." Why is he ignoring the fact that we both woke up naked together? Unlike me who is freaking out on the inside, is he not even the slightest bit concerned?

"Josh, what the hell happened last night?" I blurt out.

"I uh, I don't really remember…" Shit.

I look across the room, and see a little foil packet on the ground, on the other side of the room.

"Fuck, Josh!" I get up and run over to it, ignoring the fact that I'm completely naked.

I pick up the packet, and it's empty. My lungs feel like they are getting smaller and smaller, making it nearly impossible for me to breathe.

"Holy shit." Josh says. "Is that… is that a condom wrapper?"

"Yup…" I don't even care that Josh has a perfect view of my naked body. At this point, I doubt he does either.

"Did we…?" Josh says so quietly that I almost miss it.

I ignore his question, because something else catches my eye on the ground. I walk over and bend down to inspect it. Holy fucking shit.

"I think we have bigger problems." I say.

I thought that if we did have drunk sex last night, I'm glad we used protection. But I was wrong, I was so wrong. Lying on the ground is an unused condom. Josh must have tried using it last night but took it off and threw it across the room. Sounds just like my old Josh to me.

The main problem though; I stopped taking my birth control after the accident.

"What? What is it Jen?"

"The contents of this wrapper. Unused."

"Fuck! Jen I'm so sorry. Are you at least um, on the pill?"

"Nope."

"Shit. What about that morning after pill?

"Gross, no fucking way! I'm not putting those chemicals in my body! I know the side effects! Besides, I just finished my period, it should be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

It's been a month since Josh and I had drunk sex in my parent's basement. What a fucking shit show.

We still talk, and remained friends. There was no way I was pushing Josh out of my life again.

I think I have the stomach flu. I've been throwing up for two days. I haven't even left my bed except to vomit.

Josh is coming over to take care of me. He's still so supportive even without his old memories of me.

I've been a bit worried, because of the vomiting, the fatigue, and the fact that my period is late. I keep telling myself it's just the stomach flu, and to stop overreacting. _Stomach flu, stomach flu, stomach flu, _I repeat in my head.

"Jen! I'm here!" I hear Josh yell from downstairs.

"I'm in my room!" I shout back.

He appears in the doorway, holding a brown paper bag. "I brought you some soup, you don't have to eat it. I just thought maybe you should try and get something in your stomach."

"Thank you, Joshy."

He got me chicken noodle, my favorite. I wonder for a moment if he remembered that it's my favorite soup, but I dismiss the thought quickly. I eat very slowly, trying to avoid upsetting my stomach again.

"Jen, can I ask you something? Don't get mad."

"Sure." I know what he's going to say before he even speaks.

"Are you sure it's just the stomach flu? And not…"

"Yes, Josh. I'm sure."

"I bought this…" he pulls out a box containing a pregnancy test. Here we go. "Will you take it? If you're sure it's just the flu, then it would make me feel better knowing for a fact that it is."

"Josh…"

"Please, Jen. I've been trying to stay calm, but I need to fucking know."

Little does Josh know that I'm terrified. I don't want to take the test because I'm scared of the result. I've convinced myself that it is just the stomach flu, but what if it isn't? I don't know what I'd do.

"Fine." I grab the box from his hand and storm into the bathroom.

I throw my soup up into the toilet, and then pee on the little stick. I'm freaking out, but I don't want Josh to know.

I walk out of the bathroom, and he has such a nervous look on his face that I walk over and give him a hug.

"It takes three minutes. It'll be okay. It's just the stomach flu."

"I'm so scared, Jen. I'm not ready to be a father…"

"You're not going to be." I cut him off.

We spend the three minutes wrapped in each other's arms in silence.

Josh doesn't know we've been through this same exact scenario about a year ago…

_We're lying in my bed, waiting for this dreadful three minutes to be up. Josh is running his fingers up and down my arm, trying to relax me._

_"__Shhh, Jen. It's going to be okay."_

_"__What… what… if I'm… pregnant…" I say between sobs._

_"__Jen, if you are pregnant, I will love you and this baby more than anything else in the entire world. I promise you."_

_"__Why? You could leave… You don't need this…" I can't stop crying._

_"__I would never, ever leave you. And I do need this. I need you." He's starting to cry as well, because I think as brave as he's trying to be, he is not ready for this._

_He gives me a kiss, a salty kiss from both of our tears running down our faces. We love each other more than anything, and I'm scared it won't be enough to get through this._

_The alarm goes off on my phone, signaling the test is ready. _

_"__Josh, I can't do it. You go look."_

_He gets out of the bed slowly, and drags his feet to the bathroom. A minute or two passes by, and he walks out holding the stick. He has a relieved look in his face, but he's still crying._

_"__Jen… it's negative." Josh says. I'm trying not to look too happy. But I am, I'm beyond thrilled. Neither of us were ready for a child, even though Josh wouldn't admit it._

_"__Are you sure?"_

_"__Positive."_

"I think it's been more than three minutes," Josh says, breaking me out of my daydream. I can tell he is eager to know the results. He's eager to know if his life is going to change forever, most likely in a negative way. He's been through so much lately; I wish this wasn't happening to him… or me.

I make my way to the bathroom, the exact same way he did a year ago.

When I glance at the result on the test, I throw up whatever soup was left in my stomach. This can't be happening.

Josh is still confused most of the time, still trying to figure out who he is, who I am, what his life is. Now I have to tell him his life is changing drastically again.

I get back in my room, and Josh looks fucking terrified.

"Just tell me…"

"I'm pregnant," my voice is so hoarse that I barely get the words out.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."


End file.
